ze ark

But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

Everyone's known about this year and about me this year. This was the year when more often than not I'd reply saying I'm not fine... This was the year when I hoped the Mayan's were right... This was the year when my first post was an apology that I lost my last post. This was the year when the last New Years seems like 365 days away and this was a leap year! This was the year when I prayed for karma to be true.

And now this year is over. I thought I'd be so glad it's all finished and done with, not that I'm not but what I am happier about is that all those days when I'd hear repeatedly, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger', well I was sure it was true but I also believed it probably made you harder and more scornful too I wasn't wrong. It was the difference between surviving and living. But down the line some gesture can change it all. It's not about what doesn't kill you and it's not about what you don't let affect you but it is what you let in.

I'm still trying to get my mind wrapped around this, but I know I've got it right this time! And it's beautiful. It's hope. And it's reality. But most of all, it's beautiful! And I can feel it flowing through my veins. It's about taking charge. Yes, not about letting things not effect you but about strictly dictating what does! And it's power and accomplishment and it's you in a whole new light! So much so that you can barely recognize yourself and that's only because you've now come out from hiding. You have realized yourself and the reflection you finally see in the mirror is your soul and it's deep! From here there's no turning back. Yes, the world ended on 21st December, 2012 at precisely 12:21 pm and the flow of the energies in the universe were reversed and I can feel it flowing through my veins. And it feels good!

Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.







love n luck

Ps. Thanks for bearing with me this year. Thanks for helping me through this year. Thanks for being there. Thanks for putting up with me. I know it would have been a really uphill task, I know it was effort and affection and I guarantee it was not in vain. And this I know for sure, I couldn't have done it without you! Embrace the New Year with open arms, you deserve it!






It is finished...
Now there's hope!
And after all, isn't life just borrowed time?

ze uproar

When the Nazis came for the communists, 
I remained silent; 
I was not a communist.  
When they locked up the social democrats, 
I remained silent; 
I was not a social democrat.  
When they came for the trade unionists, 
I did not speak out; 
I was not a trade unionist.  
When they came for the Jews, 
I remained silent; 
I wasn't a Jew.  
When they came for me,  
There was no one left to speak out.

-Martin Niemöller 

love n luck

ze x

It was a good trip. The best I've known! The best I could never imagine, the festival I could never light up!

I don't know if you'd call it a Christmas miracle, but it sure felt like one. This is not me, this has never been me yet I feel so at home it sure seems like I'm under my own skin. The decorations and the sweets and the caroling and the love... That is Christmas! Whatever they try to brainwash you, all that they ingrain in to your fragile thalamus that this is what Christmas is not about and that is what it is all about, well, it's not in the least bit about Christ, it never was. That, that was just a mere coincidence! In fact not even that, it was positioned there very thoughtfully. Christmas is about warmth, Christmas is about joy and Christmas is about togetherness. And that's what takes the illusions out of the happiness abound because it is now transformed in to a logical cascade and it fits in quite perfectly. Its all about priority. It's a lesson learned late but better than never.

It was a good Christmas! It was a great Christmas!

It's probably karma! :D



love n luck

ze girls

Adena Ehrynn
Fiery sovereignty

Kamayana Alexandera
Passion



love n luck

ze absolve

Don't cancel on me. Not now. Not after we've come so far!
Don't give up on me. Don't let me go. Stay a while. Please. We have a long way to go...

Many things we dreamed of. That we'd walk hand in hand.
Many things we thought of, and this doesn't seem to be going as planned.
It's not over as yet. This is not good bye.
We aren't done yet. I'm not letting you cry.

For all the things we dreamed of and all the plans we made.
Even if you're not in this, through this I'll wade.
I'll get us through I promise,
Hold on to us, hold on to this.
It's cold and it's stormy,
It's white and it's snowy.
But let me through and you'll see,
I'm warm as can be.
But even so,
Don't give up on me,
Don't let me go.
Believe my child,
Believe my boy,
I loved you,
And I still...



love n luck

ze 12.12.12

It's the people you know best that you can hurt the most.

It's the people that we know best that we hurt the most.

I still haven't figured out a way to not hurt a lot of people I think shouldn't have to deal with me breaking their hearts because I need to go ahead and do what I think I should get through with right about now. It's my only concern. That's why I'm still around!



Love n luck

ze passion

What do you do when you get to the top, and guess what, there's nobody there?



I need passion. And fast!

Though the problem here is I don't really know how it died out in the first place. Probably faded away in to oblivion like a dull, vestigial ache that you barely feel and rarely catches your attention. Something like that poster you put up on your wall that in your minds eye seems more faded that the rest of the paint covering your wall.
It's been a long year. It's been hard days. It's been days when I thought I absolutely cannot make it through such a life and days I remembered so distinctly as painfully terrorizing that they all seem to be so many that now I can only recall the thought of them. That many days in a single year when I wondered if this doesn't kill me I really doubt I'll be any stronger!
And now I feel numb. Like it's all a blur. I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel blank. I feel hollow. And I don't know what can fill the void. I feel broken. And I feel shattered and destroyed. This year has worn me out, this year has killed me! And it's not even the 21st yet...
So here's hoping that the pessimists got it right... Here's hoping that NASA got it right... Here's hoping that Mayan's weren't plotting to troll us... Here's hoping that this ends once and for all. 'Cause if it doesn't someone had better have some passion waiting for me, I'm going to need it!









love n luck

ze slipper

Colour me blue,
The tinkle on a shoe!
Had I stopped and stopped a while,
It might've been a blur...
It might have been a smile.
But would you know,
How deep it'd go,
To colour me white,
To freak on sight?



love n luck

ze to... ze to feel

To be high! Exhilarated! A mind with no boundaries, nothing holding you back! To explore, and in getting lost finding yourself! To be high... To want to do something over and over again just to experience the same rush you felt about it when you first tried it and you can identify with this sentence.
To flow in thought, and flow losing direction, merging paths, and spreading with deltas! To feel sublime! To feel numbingly alive, numbingly aware, numbingly awake! To want to dance! To want to lay back asleep, to want to dream, to know that when you get up you WILL be refreshed, you wont be tired.
Of all the maybes, the will be and could be... The clarity in the present is rejuvenating. It's momentary, but it's substantial. It's soothing and it's multidimensional on a single plane. It's reality.
This maybe trying to hard. It's what I want to say, but all I can think of is a doctor, a surgeon, a cardiac-thoracic surgeon holding a heart in his hand and knowing that he'll never give up his job in the face of all adversity because he's addicted! I don't know addiction. The closest I've come are emotions, because, relatively speaking, that's my stronghold. I know sad, I know melancholy, I know heart break, I know loneliness, and I know abandonment and pain. And when I'm not feeling one of these, most often than not I'd rather be feeling one of these because, these I know how to handle, I know how to deal. But just sometimes, I want to feel a thrill, a surge. I have felt peace, I have felt content, and yes just momentarily but substantial. But a gush of enveloping mind space, a material longing, a dependency, and no not on someone, I'm talking about on some thing, just to feel...
Listen to the lyrics of One More Night, Maroon 5!
I shall listen to the lyrics of One More Night, Maroon 5 with my Skull Candy headphones one day soon!
 I want to shine like a diamond! Sparkle and glitter and let the world around me, just for one night... Diamonds!



love n luck

ze se7en

Greed intoxicates. Lust burns.
And desire gets us every time.

Personification can sometimes completely change how we look at something. It might be obvious that our reactions to things would be different from our reactions to people but how drastic these differences might be are never really know till such decisions have to be made in the very light of their existence.

Reminiscing. Everyone seems to be. End of the year. End of life in the same places we used to be. Good byes are inevitable but they still stab us in the back every single time. And when they take us by surprise its never really a good one. And when you really want some one to leave you'll soon start to believe that they're never going to go.
There is sadness or resignation at a farewell. And the times that there is joy there is also doubt.
I'm in no mood to count. And my New Year's eve I have grown to like when coupled with House MD. This year I might have plans. But I'll miss House! But I don't miss everyone that goes. Though these days, it's the right people that never seem to stay!

And desire gets us every time!




love n luck

ps. My keyboard feels different. It has been a while!

ze kurt

I hate my life and I want to die.





love n luck

ze when

Someone told me I sound different, someone asked me if everything was okay! This someone I barely knew!

People, some of them, pride themselves in knowing me, understanding me, or in exclaiming that they find it so hard to understand me that it is a burden on them in the heaviest sense.

True. All the above. Also true, lack of effort on either part, also true, the irony of the thought of both people in the conversation actually having any sort of deep knowledge or insight of the other, that, or the conscious choice on either persons part to ignore the other. Either way, a one word description would be 'hypocrisy'. Yet everyone without fail denies the charges. Though, everyone, without fail, fits the description to the tee.

Yet then again, who am I to judge for the world. Why do I chose to believe my horse is so up high that I can barely see the ground below. The only consequence of that would be that I would crash to the ground accelerating at 9.81 meter per second squared and I may not even be eligible for the world record of the fastest freefall. Yes, I'm not that high up there either, sometimes I deny being a hypocrite too!

But sometimes what I wouldn't give to successfully have encouraged at least one someone to relax, take some time out and understand. To watch a while and learn? To breathe a bit and sigh and enjoy the light headed feeling and allow its lingering to overwhelm you? To resign? To let go? To voluntarily be OCD-free?

I'm happy. Sometimes I manage to successfully encourage myself to relax, broad-mindedly understand and contemplate a while and eagerly learn and want to know more. And sometimes I manage to convince myself to resignedly sigh and run my finger-tips through my hair and go completely limp only to involuntarily feel a content smile creep silently, stretching the edges of my lips upward in a truly pious thanksgiving gesture. Sometimes, I find peace. I'm happy!



And maybe, just maybe, there is a God...






love n luck

Ps. "It's just, you think you know someone. You know who they are. You share a house, or make wishes on eyelashes with them. And we don't know each other... None of us." -- Izzie, Grey's Anatomy, S02E03.

ze violin

I wasn't like you. I wasn't the most talented student in school. I wasn't the brightest. But I was the best.

Discipline. Practice. Something to be the best at. And yet it's always relative. And everyone thinks they are the best. Yet then again there is a flair. It is a flair for a people to be truly good at something when he can portray underlying art in his work. Art that only other best artists can read. Art that connects you at a level that makes telepathy seem like a child's play.

Serenity. Patience. Something to make you seem 'God-like'. Or with a little less blasphemy, angelic. Or yet again, atheistic-ally, something that makes you seem like a martyr. Serenity to accept the things you cannot change. Patience to put up with the things you cannot change till you find serenity.

Discipline, practice, serenity, patience may be all you need to live a fruitful life in your eyes. Just know that no one else will recognize your sanity. Unless they themselves have a hint of art. And for the rest of them, that's why serenity is on your list. No one approves of someone who is serene anyway. What would the world be if everyone wanted nothing, if everyone was content? What would the world be if everyone was at peace with themselves? 

 Discipline. 

 Practice. 

 Serenity. 

 Patience.

 love n luck

ze you

Few years ago all I wanted to do was to study
4 years ago all I wanted to do was to complete engineering
3 years ago all I wanted to do was to never get out of that distinct feeling of 3 years ago
2 years ago all I wanted was clarity
1 year ago all I wanted was to move on

Today all I want is someone to come home to. But today I'm taking it slow. Today I'm in no hurry. Today I don't mind taking my time. All in good time.



Today what I want, today, yesterday, last month, whom I've wanted... If only just for a few minutes... If only just through a few words... If only it had lasted... If only it was more... I keep missing... Everyday! And hope is not an option. Nothing is...







 Love n luck

ze unforgotten

My life dream as a kid was to make an igloo. I could just never ever get the logic of its structure. I could try to comprehend and maybe even understand it a little but I always always wanted to try it out for myself to know I actually got it. And the only thing holding me back was my extreme aversion to cold temperatures. I even just burnt my finger today with ice :S

Well I forgot all about my igloo constructing ideas till i saw a picture today! And it got me wondering like man!!... How do you land up forgetting such things that once meant so much to you?! Well my similar dream at the moment is to crash weddings and work at a fast food chain. I think the underlying idea between the both of them is good food though the wedding I am guessing would also have bonus dance time.

I don't know what other dreams I've had maybe just a day ago and forgotten, but if you think about it career wise, I've always wanted to be a scientist and a doctorate and apparently those go together these days. Technically I already am a scientist and I need to see about the doctorate part. I also wanted to be a zoologist and an archaeologist but I think those will be cut off my list. A photographer, well i think that was done with in Indonesia, the pictures of which I do not have any longer which is why I figured it is not a very rewarding hobby.

These days it's about entrepreneurship and passion and change. My favourites. Put together, I want to be a politician. I saw something just the other day which got me thinking... It was a picture which said in today's world we got smart technology and smart applications and smart phones but why don't we have smart education? In my opinion, the only way I can change that is by becoming a politician. Someday!



Love n luck

Ps. "Man!... How do you land up forgetting such things that once meant so much to you?" -Surprised and a very confused me.
"You end up wanting other things." -Vineet Kumar, sometimes the wisest person I know!

Pps.


Ppps. Someday soon!

ze ... :S

They always said follow your dream. And I always thought they were right! But now it seems like the closest it has ever been for me to actually take a decision in the direction of following my dream but I am confused. Though the funnier part is what I am confused about and that is not whether I actually should follow my dream or not but in stead the question lies in which dream should I follow.

In school a girl looked at my handwriting and couldn't read it. It was very legible, or so I thought, but she couldn't read it! She told me I'd become a doctor, I told her that I might never do MBBS, but I'll definitely do a post doctorate if all went as planned. This was the plan, and this is the time to implement, and suddenly this doesn't seem like the ideal situation anymore! :S Nothing about me wants this plan to work any less than I wanted it to earlier but now it just seems a little childish especially with the restrictions I self-impose.

I love passion. Sometimes I am passion. This has been more or less dominant for quite sometime now. I guess even my dad could give you a detailed report, I bet he finds it really amusing! Usually this passion is pretty directional. Environmental, developmental, ecological. Basically everything a democracy should be. Then why not be part of that democracy. I've always believed in being the change. It's the only thing that actually seems to make sense to me. And anyone who has littered even once before and says anything positive about Singapore because it's a clean city should be punished by Singapore law (5000 lashes and 7 year imprisonment for 2 sq.ft. of unintentional vandalism).

So, as an extension of this thought I want to get in to politics because in my opinion it's your best bet to making a difference! Making a difference which might actually last more than a millisecond. I believe in the development of the population as a whole, I believe in the sustenance of an environment, I believe not in equality but in deserving reservations and head-starts to those who do not stand a chance, to the underdog! And I believe in me. It's not corruption that I am talking about here, corruption is human nature, all I want to believe in is development, people developing themselves!

And then there is the IT industry. Stress. But the world at your feet! Or so they say. :S




love n luck

ze you and me mood

I've found a new thing to be our thing! It's been so long since I've felt like this... And I'm so sure you can relate to it... It's got some of the greatest philosophies I've heard! It's got dreams and what becomes of them... Music and photography... And most of all it's got friends and family.. It's got love and affection... It's got everything that is you and me!

Come to think of it, it's quite symbolic of the first time I met you. Getting to know you, getting to know me in a new place, getting to know people that would always mean a lot to me... This and you are representative of an era I would wish would last forever... Though as it bids adieu I hope you wont because maybe... I feel like this, and you feel like this, and we have philosophies, and we have dreams and there's music and there's memories forever embedded with friends and family enveloped in all it's love and affection that is you and me...

Trust may be too much, but it's a start. You got nothing to worry about though you have everything to lose, but I'll meet you there...

Forever and Always!







Love n luck

ze struggle

Sometimes we fight for something only to find out that when we get it our goals have been changed!




love n luck



ps. The first time I heard this sentence, and right up until now, my heart is racing like crazy... The last time it did that I was worried about my bestest friend's dad! I knew it wouldn't be much, but that was the first time someone's probable health status freaked me out!

pps. Change has always been a goal for me. And by that, 'to be the change' has meant the world to me! So as much as I thought research was my thing, which it still is, education has also meant the world to me and so has business! So right now when I have come the closest to research than I ever had before, priorities are starting to blur and merge in to each other a bit. Though surprisingly, so is perspective. And what I realized, is that hard work has always been my forte! So I'm a little unsure at the moment, but I'm thinking I've got it all figured out. And my mum seems happy with the plan... And who would know better than her?!!! I love doing what my mum says, it makes life soooooooo much easier! If only I had thought of that earlier... Kids need to grow up someday, though it's funny how kiddish I feel for being 21, or maybe it's great...

ppps. Do I need to sign off again? :P

ze bliss

This by far has been the best pre-sleep time ever! Who would have thought Skullcandy headphones take you to a whole knew level of music. I was talking about being with your thoughts and ideas and simply staring at the ceiling and who would have thought simple good music would make my world spin around in multiple directions at the same time. And headphones are the shit! It's like crazy noise cancellation, and you can hear every beat and every instrument and every shift in tune. It's beautiful! It's out-of-the-world beautiful. It's God-like! It's ... ... ... ... ...





love n luck

Ps. A few dedications: Ojas for the headphones, Mani for the Zune, Vine for the awesome state of mind and Nair for his great ever forgiving company! <3

ze connection

its crazy the way we react to similar things among people we meet. may eventually referred to as bonding and indirectly it wud be quite literally correct too. the way we catch on to and further more, hold on to similarities between our lives and that of someone else could be in its own way nothing less than personal relationships with each common instance on its own. we relate to such ideas like we were exactly at the same place, at the same time and like we processed thoughts in the exact same sequence. and the few occasions that there may actually be a difference, we view it as variety adding spice to life.

its hard to let go of such kind of people. you'd think that if you shared so much in common life would be easiest to go through if lived together. and even if not together, the mere companionship would make everything else seem like a blur, which maybe is what it should actually be. in parting is great sadness. the uncertainty of being able to replace them, of being able to share your views, of knowing that even if u cant maybe they can and your ok wit that. so how do you move on from there? my thoughts are getting quite murky.

lets try and put a few things in to perspective. common ground is essential for all logical purposes with anyone who is to be more than just an acquaintance. but then where does the diversity start?.. and how common is common enough. common things for which i would settle for is ideology on something which is important to me! but this subject has got to have a lot of branches and deviations between views should be maintained... if not, somethin or someone should be dramatically the same, and then again this something or someone should not be just a one time thing.

im craving an emotional connection at the moment. somethin which is a little deep and something which is completely reciprocated! i need a little bit of direction and a little bit of perspecive. all in all, i need a whole lote of love!







love n lcuk



ps. i love to see my boss smile... it reassures me that his day is not all that bad and that he can handle it!

ze 10 hours ago

love you for the shirt

for the surprise then, the suspense, and revelation the day before!

and just in general







love n luck

ze blur

well you caught me in a good mood so your going to get a good version of this this story. for those who kno, blur was my private blog for all practical means of putting it... it had my thoughts, my ambitions and aspirations, my inspirations and hopes and dreams and this was my world. MY WORLD. no one knew of it. no one knew what was in it. it was just me, myself and i! while my blog was my vent, blur was the window to my soul!

but then in time i found reasons to not need a vent and further down the line the same reason now had a personalized door and footpath so the window became quite similarly unnecessary too. all in all, my posts started dwindling and my entries started never appearing and i thought i had it all figured out and the world spun calmly about its axis and i thought it was safe to venture out in to untamed waters, there amidst the scenic beauty of the world, blur disappeared with the harsh undercurrents in a moment so quick that you couldn even offer your life in sacrifice to the gods of the tempest. and who would have thought that that is the price you pay for underestimating the smoothness of the frost of each wave, and their time and tide and it's space and illusion.

its taken me quite a while to get here from where i started out from and from where i reached to where life takes me everyday. but the leaves these days seem like something to hold on to and preserve amongst other foliage and bindings. these days each idea takes me somewhere in time though the question is, is it worth getting back to where you started of from when your all done and dry?




love n luck

ze 1st sem

the last tym i posted which was a couple of days ago, google asked me if i had read its privacy statement yet. yes... that's how long it has been! then again, that's recent news... just now, a second ago, i decided to blog, iv not had da feelin in longer than before google even thot of changin its ideas on privacy... forget feelin... feelings come and go.. its d urge im talkin about... its dat strain to put down in words with the hope of clarity... its that tug on ur heart u kno u cant cry out.... its the thots da flow da make u not give a dam abt grammar, spellin and punctuation...... an d only thin da it ever is... its d lack of a soul! some soul...... any soul.............. an with da my shoulders stretch out a bit.... my breaths relax.... my eyes shut...... my mind drifts......... an i lay out flat and dream










































































i feel very 1st sem-ish... the turmoil.... the new place.... the unusual ppl.... only this time its not as counter productiv.. today has been a bit confusin on d mind but it was a good day... a long walk..... a good talk.... iv never even seen a better moon an iv definitely not tried cheese cake before! n it wasn even full moon.. da slight sliver of hope an all in a days work... who wudv talked... today my dream is a dream... today my dream is not a nightmare, we'll save da for another day, we call da the blur, today is a dream, today is d present, today is not a gift, apparently i got mine a little less than 21 yrs ago...

my life is not goin to be bad... my life will fall in to path... an da path will be good... in a few years, i may not be rich, i mayb workin my ass of for every penny da i make... at a job i probably don wan.... but my life will fall in to place... an apartment.. transportation.... an eventually..... a kid! an all before im 30... i may nt b alive aft da.... but today i dream.. today i think... im goin to apply to berkeley and stanford next year... gre score or no gre score... i heard penn is good too... :')

so while i dream tonight an drift of to sleep, someone pls b my guardian angel n hav my back n help me not stumble over stones as often and if a tear ever at all should fall be the shoulder da keeps my head held high... i may make a mess of things time and again but believe in me and trust da i will sort it out... it works.. really! u jus got to try it out! and happy or sad, d warmth in ur touch should get me thru, of da im sure.... but then again.. if all else fails.... be my inspiration.. be my hope..... be.. my dream!





love n luck

ze mishap

I swear I typed out a year end blog post and scheduled it to be posted at the year end due to the probability of me not having access to a working net connection as I was out of town around that time and in the midst of all the commotion I just could not stand the possibility of not having posted for the last time in that year with nothing but the thought of this being my last post of the year. Not only that, it was supposed to be my 24th post. And that number is quite significant if you seen the number of posts I post each year. This is the first time I am logging in this year and it's not a very pretty sight. For the first time in ever I''m wishing I could turn back time. I am extremely certain I typed out that post, and I am extremely certain I scheduled it. Though at this moment I can't even locate a draft of it so I have no clue what just happened. Dam! And I thought my first post this year, even though it's horribly late would be very well worth reading but instead it's an apology. I pity myself, so then again, till better times!



Love n luck