ze things I cant find

A job...
A boyfriend...
A specific career I want to pursue...
The strength to be separated from my laptop...
A friend who is available...
The determination to exercise...
A personality that's appealing...
A little extroversion...
A mind that thinks less...
Something to rely on...
Something to pay my loan...




love n luck

 

ze california

This is the time when everything is starting to seem bleak. The future does not look promising all over again and the sketch is not very pretty. Fortunately or unfortunately though, this feeling has been setting in slowly. So it is not a shock but an awareness that has been sinking in in its time. usually I would restart The O.C. and revel in its melancholy. But this time seems different. Let's see how it pans out.



Love and luck

ze leprechaun

I travelled the world just to see you,
Just to see you standing there.
Looking high and low to find you,
Yet not a tear drop or a care.
Say you still need me,
Though to hold me no one's there,
Standing tall looking strong,
With my shadow trying hard to crawl.

Staring into the distance,
Thoughts running in the wind,
Like a stag across the highway,
Eyes glaring deeper,
Penetrating stances,
Trying hard to finally rest.
Lights piercing, brighter,
Putting strangers to the test.

None for the sinister danger,
None for the time with no trace.
The lion and the lamb tonight,
Enjoy a supper after grace.
But amidst it all,
I travelled so far,
So far to see you,
How could I miss such a beautiful view?

I travelled the world to find you where you'd be,
To find you waiting for me,
But when I get there it's lonely,
No one in sight, for miles on end no one to see.
Treasure chests come easy,
But life gets hard to find.
To put the puzzle together,
Running in circles around my mind.

And with every breath of fresh air,
The dream get real and alive.
But you further away than before,
While I grab at the clouds,
Trying hard to hold on,
To keep them near,
To keep you here,
To make you stay a glance at a time.

You say it's not to late,
Yet you still drift away.
Tufts of grass glistening,
With breeze blowing through my hair.
I stand perched up upon a rock,
Rainbows in the sky,
Gold coins crowdin' 'neath about the ground.
Dandies and daffodils, as ne'er seen before.

Everywhere I look is beautiful,
The world lies at my feet.
But spring comes but once a year,
And leaves without a trace.
All I want,
Within hand's reach...
Except that,
What I want to keep.





love n luck

ze SMoooMe

3...
2...
1...



Launch!

I may not be a part of NASA but I sure as hell feel out of this world! And I would never feel this way without you :*



love n luck

ze uncanny laughter - III

I stare at the ceiling,
Darkness all abound.
The silence is unnerving,
And you are not to be found.

I know I should be stronger,
I wish I could wish this all away,
But it never gets over,
There is only one way...

And this I lack the courage to explore,
To go forth and fall back from trying harder once more.
And the doors open wider to the beyond
With the cracks growing deeper and creeping upon.

I wish that you knew me,
That you knew me like I know you,
That you'd be here to say goodbye,
You hear me call, one last time.

Each step I take grows weary,
My strength gets drawn away.
They despise it and curse,
But they don't know that I hope to be back someday.




love n luck

ze uncanny laughter - II

I asked you to wait a while,
I need you to hold my hand.
The lover and the dance,
As they sway through this sad romance.

I need you to linger,
As I reach to keep you close,
I can do this alone I know,
But I need you by my side.

Soon I shall learn,
Now to grow, to face the open fields afore.
But in the distance, dark clouds draw nearer,
Seems like it's time to face the swelling tide.

Please hold me now,
Please stay a while.
I tried to breeze through this,
But I need you by my side.

The night is long and dreary,
And I have yet to saddle up,
I am bruised and beaten,
I may not make it through this ride.

So stay with me now,
Watch me close my eyes.
I pray we meet again, I pray you wait a while,
As I fade into this surreal séance.



love n luck

ze uncanny laughter - I

I never asked for this
But I knew it was coming.
Could have run a mile,
Yet always be running.
Glancing over my shoulder,
As each day got older,
Buying time by the minute,
Trying hard to find anything in it.

Staying still I keep moving,
Into depths unsheathing.
Wailing in the distances
And shadows drawing near.
I stand alone in the abyss,
With nothingness for company,
Loneliness entrenches.
My heart sinks lower and vanishes.

Then I hit a stone,
Running through an open gate.
Surrounded, entrapped,
I stumble on further, prostrate before my fate.
And I look around besides me,
The same shallow spaces engulf.
But there's a certain sense of peacefulness,
A narrow smile and sign of love.

Tired, yet rested,
I bow before thee now.
All this distance in vain,
I succumb, to this pain.




love n luck

ze story teller

So the story goes on down,
The less travelled road...
It's a variation on,
The one I was told.
And although it's not the same,
It's awful close....

In an ordinary fairy tale land,
There's a promise of a perfect happy end.
And I imagine having just short of that,
Is better than nothing...

So you'll be mine,
Forever and almost always...
And I'll be fine,
Just love me when you can...
And I'll wait patiently,
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care.

In the corner of my mind I know too well,
Oh that surely even I deserve the best...
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed,
And outta my head...

Oh and just when I believe,
You've changed for good,
Well you go and prove me wrong,
Just like I knew you would...
When I run out of second chances,
You give me that look,
And you're off the hook!

Because you're mine,
Forever and almost always...
And I'm fine,
Just love me when you can...
And I'll wait patiently,
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care.

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it's all becoming so clear.

You'll be mine,
Forever and almost always...
It ain't right to just love me when you can...
Oh I won't wait patiently,
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care.

 

 

 

love n luck

 

Ps. Such coincidences!

ze animales

I just realized, we pride ourselves on being 'social' animals but in fact that is the saddest part of our lives. It is the actual barrier to anything we ever thought of. Recognition, self esteem, social acceptance, even our most sought after dreams and ambitions, all a curse because we are social. Everything, every single thing we ever have done and ever will do will be judged by at least one other person. And if what we do is in secret, we will judge ourselves for all those people who don't have the privilege of a VIP seat.

Which also explains why we suck at keeping secrets, why we like to appear smart and well liked with a lot of friends, or even find pleasure in being called a geek. Even the lone scientist in Antarctica researching footprints of penguins, the sceptics optimistic about crop circles, mermaids and aliens, and the strongly opinionated feminists, Marxists and Zoroastrians, all developed ideas so that somebody would love them!

And you thought you had your life under control...



love n luck

ze C

I was supposed to test for cancer a little less than a year ago... I am good at medical things. Usually. Like besides the fact when I was in denial about Vitamin D deficiency. Other than that, I am good with medical stuff. Which is why I refused to test for cancer. There was no reason to prove that it was true. And I couldn't bear having to take a test whose results would haunt me forever.

Now I am not sure if that was the smartest idea ever. Well, it isn't a stupid idea... But may not be the smartest. I am a little scared that I didn't do it when I should have, and that somewhere down the line it would require me to put my entire life into perspective.

The problem with perspective is that is the only time regret bites you in the ass. I usually do not regret much, or anything. I sort of strive to make sure that my decisions do not have particularly strong repercussions. Even now, I am not regretting this decision per se. The only thing I am scared of really is coincidence. If at all I do have any medical condition in the future that might probably be even vaguely linked to this, I am going to be so devastated that my whole putting life into perspective task is going to be so much more painful that I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

I am scared.







love n luck

ze full circle

What do you do when Coca-Cola cherry tastes exactly like Coke? You talk about how capitalism is the worst thing to happen to the world. The corporates are out to get us and scourge us for every single unforgiving penny. In the meantime, they destroy our trees and planet and create ever wider and growing economic disparities. They allow the scum of the society to gnaw on each other and force people into death and destruction. All for a Coke you ask? Well, I'm sure the answer would be that it's got to start somewhere... Though what do we do in the mean time? Make lists? Read lists? Discuss political agenda? Act like we are knowledgeably discussing political agenda...? I'm still pretending, aren't I?

I have had good raspberry soda. I have had not so good, why-have-I-been-missing-this-for-so-long raspberry soda as well. But I am very disappointed in my cherry soda. I am very disappointed with the vast amount of nonsense we take for granted. Especially after working so hard to get this far. Especially when you've given so much and it's trampled upon. Very disappointing. Yet, humanity lives to see another day, one if which if I was a dictator, I'd love to take away...





love n luck

ze nightsky mirage

Stood on a ledge,
Seemed like we were drowning...
Not too much to keep us alive.
And we looked out far into the distance,
Crowded with dark grey skies.
But with you there besides me,
Maybe,
Just maybe we'd survive.

And I look towards you to touch you,
Just to feel your pretty face...
But somehow it seems you're frozen,
In a past memory I can't erase...
And I need you now besides me,
Yes, I need you on my way...
I can't walk this road without you,
Don't make me change my way.

And all these words left empty,
The hope's all washed away...
You told me you were waiting,
For me to come back someday...
But that kiss was left unfinished,
And words were left unsaid...
So it keeps the memories afloat,
Of you in my head.

So talk to me once more,
Don't leave without a trace...
I want to hold you here forever,
It's so warm in your embrace.
This isn't over yet, oh no,
This isn't the time or place.
It took us so long to get here,
Don't leave before we've met.

Come back once more, bid adieu,
A flying kiss or two,
Maybe end what we started...
Even that won't get me through.
Don't leave me here hanging,
On my knees begging you.
We both know,
I'm never forgetting you.

Yes, you aren't coming,
I know you've gone too far now...
I wait and watch unending,
But it's over for us right here.
Somehow this feels blurry,
So is the picture of you...
Somehow this feels blurry,
Somehow I never lose you.




love n luck


Ps. Happy birthday, every year I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. I wouldn't know what to say, which is why I never do but the next time we talk, I'd plan to meet you, and see you, and drink all night, and listen to good, good music! So often I wonder why I never really took you up on this offer before, it's such a shame! Like dayyuuummmmmn! :* :* :*  

ze humane Nazi

love n luck

ze twenty 2

Maybe not anymore actually. Time zones seem to affect a lot more of what I do these days. So twenty two in some places and twenty three in others. I very clearly remember my last birthday, and I don't think I will forget that one at least even if I forget any others. Fond, fond memories :P

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to seeing how tomorrow pans out. I feel so relaxed, its a nice leisurely feeling. Also, I am much more comfortable with people singing for me the day before ;)




love n luck

ze whirlwind

Would it actually be too much to ask if we could have just a little bit of time to spend with each other under controlled circumstances? Where we could be where we wanted to, and what we did had no consequences, and what we had had no effects on what we could be doing, and the likes. Just for a little bit. Uninterrupted, free from disturbance. As a token of affection for all the times we have spent together and trying to pick ourselves up and put broken pieces in place. Somehow, its just the worst times that we are able to see each other's face.

And I would not have any other was when it comes to this, cause I really count on you to see me through. But I think it's quite blue, that that's the only time you see me too. So I would wish it would be much better for you, you know I really do. You just never get to see the me I would like to be.





Love n luck

ze introspection

About my last post... I'm thinking I just discovered something truly remarkable. It is the explanation for why people love watching sunsets, slow down when they know they have just that long to live... It's amazing! And to think that we as a race of people, all we are really trying to do is to get things to work faster, be able to get to places sooner and feel immortal.

When you think of it, time is just a thought. Many may argue otherwise but while we don't get subjective about it, the fourth dimension is quite virtual to say the least! Thus, if maybe you decide to judge it from an outsider's perspective, I think it all falls in to place quite easily. And maybe, just maybe, we could have truly discovered what makes us happy. The only question is, do we really have the luxury to enjoy it fully?




love n luck

ze weak

When was the last time when you had nowhere you had to be? I have recently started realizing how important it is to have nothing to do from time to time. It clears your mind with the clarity every new generation of television displays the industry aspires to achieve. And these days when the week seems like a blur and all I have really is a weak memory of weekends to string together I like how clears notes of music work similar wonders within few minutes. So now all I recall of a week are weekends and songs!

This whole thing about the weekend being the only thing I really remember about the week has just been coming up so often in the past few days. I've probably even discussed it with at least four people. So the last time I said it, I got thinking, "Well wow, I guess my Friday nights are very eventful days!" But now that I have given it a little more thought than just its superficial implication, I'm thinking it probably seems more relevant because of the Saturday and Sunday when I'm not doing anything... Actually we don't count the Saturday much ;)

Anyway, maybe the conclusion of this theory is that effectively, your memories revolve around times when your mind is just an explosion of itself! And silence and nothingness enable this in the best possible way...

About this, as a kid, we as a family used to do many trips. Yet, my strongest memory is that of a monastery we visited that exuberated so much peacefulness that I was astounded! I can still experience the exact feeling that I felt for those twenty everlasting minutes which transported me to a whole different universe! In twenty two years, my best memory is that of purity of thought, and I cant stress enough how much I actually appreciate logic and ideas otherwise...




love n luck

ze people

Who would've thought I'd come all the way here only to meet one friend after another. This diversity of friends seems to have something to do with the new year it appears. Just one after the other, after the other. And there are other times when you're wondering if you could be one of the most alone people in the world...
But I'm liking this, it's good stuff! Bangalore, Goa, Bombay, Barcelona, Madrid! Wow! I guess this is the year good things happen maybe... It's beautiful, and a lifetime's worth of memories... 0:)





love and luck

ze Mad-rid-da

Well I've been here for a little while now... It's good! It's good. It's gooood!! Not all I thought it would be, but the parts I hoped it wouldn't be turned out way better than I expected so then who am I to complain. So the few things that are awesome - - - - - Food is brilliant! I never ever dreamt that dal could be made with bacon. It is almost the most brilliant innovation anyone could come by. I'd definitely invest in that. It's great!
Next, the weather on it's good days, which aren't so few, is good. So, I guess I might as well take what I'm getting. And I'm sure the good days are only going to be increasing. If not today, latest within a fortnight or so. It's not too bad, so that's liveable.
But now having saved the best for last, well, who would ever thought they'd ever say this in their life... The teachers are to die for!!!!! They're just so good it's almost unbelievable. So smart, so smart!! Much to learn from them. Though actually, I'm thinking, everyone would love learning if they had teachers like this! So captivating is their thought process that you only get to see it in action. I'm sure this year is going to be mind blowing. At least in class if nothing else. Wow! I'm still so amazed.
Ah, and another thing! Barcelona is a lot of fun! ;)




love n luck

ze blore

Oh this is so Bangalore! I need no words, just a big thank you! You got me here today, you will be remembered... Tough love, huh? You let me go with a smile across my face... I'd never have guessed, never! And so I'll hold on to this embrace and linger a bit and we'll love you like only we know how... :* :* :*


love n luck

ze phew!

Recently I have begun feeling a little lonely... It's the holidays so it's quite easy. But whenever I sit back and actually think about everyone being out there with someone or the other I actually feel a little accomplished. It's quite a strong feeling to realize that you're going it alone and that you're doing well at it. You have a long road ahead of you and you're quite enjoying hippity hopping all the way. True you may miss a step and get a few bruises but nonetheless you're still smiling. And I like it.
There was a time when I'd find it hard to get up and rant and rave about no one being around. There are a few times I would like company as well but I've gotten to realize that even the occasional company I crave for is still only from a distance. And that I actually like my space to move and think and experience things as they come.
These days I have been feeling a little like 5 years ago but I have grown up from there oh so much! It's a nice transition, of course I'd never really want to do adolescence again but nonetheless it was fun while it lasted. But even though I feel the same in the way of being single maybe I didn't feel as empowered then, maybe then it would have been easy to get lost in the crowd than it seems like as of now. Now all I see is a world of possibility and I look forward to it only as me. Right now, I wouldn't want to be a we, it just wouldn't fit.
2014, well it took long enough. Though sometimes it seems to have arrived yesterday. It's been a tough last few months and it's been marvelous. Who knew what might seem like the worst time of your life provides so much insight that it could fuel the rest of your life on a path you would never care to doubt. Yes, that's how right it feels! I'm looking forward, I'm enjoying the present, I'm appreciating the past, I'm content. And more so, I have felt like this for the longest time! So actually, if I looked in to the future from 5 years ago I'd never recognize me and I'm glad I've grown up from there 'cause that me might not have approved. And I'm sure I thought I knew it all then! ;) Just like my sister thinks she knows it all, and my brother's sure he cant be wrong! Noobs :P Yet, to each his own, because you just absolutely ant tell someone otherwise.
So, I like you 2014. you sound interesting. Please go a little easy on me, but it's just a suggestion, I really don't mind it anyway. Please keep everyone I love very safe, because that would be hard, and I would be far away and I seriously think this is not the time, tsk tsk tsk. No kidding. This part will not be as easy so please, please. I love them very, very much... ... ...













love n luck