ze 12.12.12

It's the people you know best that you can hurt the most.

It's the people that we know best that we hurt the most.

I still haven't figured out a way to not hurt a lot of people I think shouldn't have to deal with me breaking their hearts because I need to go ahead and do what I think I should get through with right about now. It's my only concern. That's why I'm still around!



Love n luck

ze passion

What do you do when you get to the top, and guess what, there's nobody there?



I need passion. And fast!

Though the problem here is I don't really know how it died out in the first place. Probably faded away in to oblivion like a dull, vestigial ache that you barely feel and rarely catches your attention. Something like that poster you put up on your wall that in your minds eye seems more faded that the rest of the paint covering your wall.
It's been a long year. It's been hard days. It's been days when I thought I absolutely cannot make it through such a life and days I remembered so distinctly as painfully terrorizing that they all seem to be so many that now I can only recall the thought of them. That many days in a single year when I wondered if this doesn't kill me I really doubt I'll be any stronger!
And now I feel numb. Like it's all a blur. I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel blank. I feel hollow. And I don't know what can fill the void. I feel broken. And I feel shattered and destroyed. This year has worn me out, this year has killed me! And it's not even the 21st yet...
So here's hoping that the pessimists got it right... Here's hoping that NASA got it right... Here's hoping that Mayan's weren't plotting to troll us... Here's hoping that this ends once and for all. 'Cause if it doesn't someone had better have some passion waiting for me, I'm going to need it!









love n luck

ze slipper

Colour me blue,
The tinkle on a shoe!
Had I stopped and stopped a while,
It might've been a blur...
It might have been a smile.
But would you know,
How deep it'd go,
To colour me white,
To freak on sight?



love n luck

ze to... ze to feel

To be high! Exhilarated! A mind with no boundaries, nothing holding you back! To explore, and in getting lost finding yourself! To be high... To want to do something over and over again just to experience the same rush you felt about it when you first tried it and you can identify with this sentence.
To flow in thought, and flow losing direction, merging paths, and spreading with deltas! To feel sublime! To feel numbingly alive, numbingly aware, numbingly awake! To want to dance! To want to lay back asleep, to want to dream, to know that when you get up you WILL be refreshed, you wont be tired.
Of all the maybes, the will be and could be... The clarity in the present is rejuvenating. It's momentary, but it's substantial. It's soothing and it's multidimensional on a single plane. It's reality.
This maybe trying to hard. It's what I want to say, but all I can think of is a doctor, a surgeon, a cardiac-thoracic surgeon holding a heart in his hand and knowing that he'll never give up his job in the face of all adversity because he's addicted! I don't know addiction. The closest I've come are emotions, because, relatively speaking, that's my stronghold. I know sad, I know melancholy, I know heart break, I know loneliness, and I know abandonment and pain. And when I'm not feeling one of these, most often than not I'd rather be feeling one of these because, these I know how to handle, I know how to deal. But just sometimes, I want to feel a thrill, a surge. I have felt peace, I have felt content, and yes just momentarily but substantial. But a gush of enveloping mind space, a material longing, a dependency, and no not on someone, I'm talking about on some thing, just to feel...
Listen to the lyrics of One More Night, Maroon 5!
I shall listen to the lyrics of One More Night, Maroon 5 with my Skull Candy headphones one day soon!
 I want to shine like a diamond! Sparkle and glitter and let the world around me, just for one night... Diamonds!



love n luck

ze se7en

Greed intoxicates. Lust burns.
And desire gets us every time.

Personification can sometimes completely change how we look at something. It might be obvious that our reactions to things would be different from our reactions to people but how drastic these differences might be are never really know till such decisions have to be made in the very light of their existence.

Reminiscing. Everyone seems to be. End of the year. End of life in the same places we used to be. Good byes are inevitable but they still stab us in the back every single time. And when they take us by surprise its never really a good one. And when you really want some one to leave you'll soon start to believe that they're never going to go.
There is sadness or resignation at a farewell. And the times that there is joy there is also doubt.
I'm in no mood to count. And my New Year's eve I have grown to like when coupled with House MD. This year I might have plans. But I'll miss House! But I don't miss everyone that goes. Though these days, it's the right people that never seem to stay!

And desire gets us every time!




love n luck

ps. My keyboard feels different. It has been a while!

ze kurt

I hate my life and I want to die.





love n luck

ze when

Someone told me I sound different, someone asked me if everything was okay! This someone I barely knew!

People, some of them, pride themselves in knowing me, understanding me, or in exclaiming that they find it so hard to understand me that it is a burden on them in the heaviest sense.

True. All the above. Also true, lack of effort on either part, also true, the irony of the thought of both people in the conversation actually having any sort of deep knowledge or insight of the other, that, or the conscious choice on either persons part to ignore the other. Either way, a one word description would be 'hypocrisy'. Yet everyone without fail denies the charges. Though, everyone, without fail, fits the description to the tee.

Yet then again, who am I to judge for the world. Why do I chose to believe my horse is so up high that I can barely see the ground below. The only consequence of that would be that I would crash to the ground accelerating at 9.81 meter per second squared and I may not even be eligible for the world record of the fastest freefall. Yes, I'm not that high up there either, sometimes I deny being a hypocrite too!

But sometimes what I wouldn't give to successfully have encouraged at least one someone to relax, take some time out and understand. To watch a while and learn? To breathe a bit and sigh and enjoy the light headed feeling and allow its lingering to overwhelm you? To resign? To let go? To voluntarily be OCD-free?

I'm happy. Sometimes I manage to successfully encourage myself to relax, broad-mindedly understand and contemplate a while and eagerly learn and want to know more. And sometimes I manage to convince myself to resignedly sigh and run my finger-tips through my hair and go completely limp only to involuntarily feel a content smile creep silently, stretching the edges of my lips upward in a truly pious thanksgiving gesture. Sometimes, I find peace. I'm happy!



And maybe, just maybe, there is a God...






love n luck

Ps. "It's just, you think you know someone. You know who they are. You share a house, or make wishes on eyelashes with them. And we don't know each other... None of us." -- Izzie, Grey's Anatomy, S02E03.